Reader Question
My boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. He sniffed 1-3 bags a day. He's only been "clean" for about 2 weeks. I knew he used to do it before we started going out, but he swore he was off it. A friend enlightened me of his remaining addiction. When I confronted him, he finally broke down and admitted it. Needless to say, I was hurt and upset that he lied for so long. I felt as if he had cheated on me with another woman. In a way he did cheat on me, but it was with heroin. I know he's a very depressed person, but I want to help him. I would like some advice on how to support him, so he doesn't relapse. If you could email back to me with some wise words, it would be greatly appreciated. I've never dealt with this sort of thing before.

ANSWER
We're sorry to hear about your situation. We live in a confusing world. Hopefully, we can offer some common sense advice.

As with many addictions, people generally never "recover" fully. Your boyfriend will likely have a disposition towards this powerful chemical the rest of his life. You should fully consider this. Two weeks is not sufficient time to break free from the grasp. You said that he "used" to do it but swore it off. Learn from this. He will likely return to the habit.

We can understand why you were hurt. You have a right to feel this way. You must realize though that all of us make many errors in our life. We don't mean to but we, I guess, are frail emotional creatures. We don't always do what we should or what is logically best for us. This is part of living. Yet his addiction is stronger than love. Heroin is likely his real "girlfriend." You are the mistress. While he may not recognize it, you are probably second to the addiction.

You state that your boyfriend is very depressed. This is not good. Can you get him professional help? He needs an expert here. Maybe he has a chemical imbalance that can be corrected. Maybe he simply needs someone to really talk to.

As for supporting him, love him as you would your boyfriend, yet you cannot change him. If he doesn't want to break this addiction, he won't stand a chance. Even if he wants to it will be a long and difficult road. In many cases the one trying to help ends up in trouble as well. You have to realize that if you love him, you may have to leave him. Support is like a stern parent. We sometimes spank our children, or send them to their rooms without dinner, to teach them how to behave properly. Love is not unconditional.

If you really want to help him, get him to a professional. Try your family physician first. This person should be able to put him on the road to recovery.

We don't know if this will help you, but we feel for you. If you need a friend with whom to talk, write us again. You will probably be the one to suffer the most here. We admire your courage. You are obviously a strong individual.

We send our love and best wishes-